The Two Most Uncomfortable Words...

We are living in perilous times. Nations are ravaged by war and terrorism. Headlines tell of natural disasters, oil spills, famine and disease. Amidst all the pestilence, something real and disturbing persists. Prepare yourselves for the two most uncomfortable words you'll hear:

"I'm single."

It's baffling that singleness is something that many people (especially within the Christian community) just don't know what to do with. It's met with confusion, inquisitiveness, curiosity, and sometimes outright derision.

What I'd like to do, though, is highlight a few different approaches people take to others' singleness:

1.) The Fixer
This (well-intentioned) individual responds to your casual remark of "I'm single" by immediately racking his/her brain. Taking on the role of matchmaker, they conjure up any (and every) single guy they know-- a friend of a friend, their second cousin once removed, their plumber-- and whose only point of commonality is your mutual eligibility. Your singleness isn't simply a relationship status, but a dire situation that obviously requires an intervention.

2.) The Awkward Sympathizer
Another well-intentioned individual, when this person asks (because an awkward sympathizer always manages to initiate this particular dialogue) if you're seeing anyone and when you reply you aren't, they'll tilt their head to the side and, with a slight frown, either sigh or emit a condescending, "awww." Your current level of happiness and satisfaction in life does not matter to the awkward sympathizer, for without a significant other you must be besotted with loneliness and angst.

3.) The Halfhearted Optimist
Similar to the Awkward Sympathizer, the Halfhearted Optimist reads into your unattachedness and falsely assumes single = miserable. Seeing as you will need immediate cheering up, this person will offer such idiomatic gems like, "There's plenty of fish in the sea." The assurances this person volunteers that you will find The One, that you'll be okay, not to give up, to keep your chin up, all come off as superficial insinuations that maybe you won't be okay...

4.) The Unfavorable Pessimist
There's no mistaking an Unfavorable Pessimist. They will freely offer criticism, derision, and disdain. To them, your singleness is a sociological anomaly. They fail to appreciate a young woman independently pursuing her dreams and ambitions. Armed with a lack of understanding and perspective, the Unfavorable Pessimist lessens the single person by cheapening this stage of life. (An Unfavorable Pessimist actually told me once that I'd always be single and live at home forever. Yep. That happened.)

I am single. (Whoa, saying that wasn't so bad!) And I don't hate my life. I am fulfilled in Christ. I love serving at church, spending time with my friends, being with my loved ones. While I do want to get married one day, I do not see myself as incomplete or other or less than. I refuse to allow others to define me or cheapen this stage of my life. I (sometimes painfully) endure the Fixers and Sympathizers and Optimists and know that they're probably doing the best that they can to relate to me. I shake the dirt off that the Pessimists throw at me, forgive them and move on.

Those are four approaches that I've personally encountered. Did I miss any? (Vance, this was my lighthearted one for you. ;)

Managed Expectations

Expectations can be a tricky thing.  In any avenue of life, they can provide you the confidence to step up to the plate, or they can cause your hopes to plummet to record lows when they're not met.  In my early 20s, I was full of high expectations.  Everything was going to be on a grand scale.  I was meant to end up in New York working for a record label and travel the country seeking new acts to sign.  I would have a completely fabulous rock star boyfriend and would go on the road with him when my job allowed and be the girl in the crowd he sang to during "that" song.  I would stay grounded by being actively involved in my chosen church, which is where I'd go to recenter on my whole reason for being in between road trips. 

Needless to say, my life took a different path.  My expectations weren't met.  As I began to realize the original set wasn't really going to happen, my expectations adapted.  They became more about making the place where I am as great as it could possibly be.  Does an adaptation make it any less great?  From where I sit today, not at all.  Sure, the original plan sounds glamorous and exciting, but as it turns out, I kind of love where I am.  However, there is one glaring area of my life that continues to elude me.  In my original expectation set, I had a rock star boyfriend.  I'd still love a rock star boyfriend, but in my adapted reality, his life style probably doesn't fit with mine.  However, I have no adapted version of him.  Is he an engineer, a lawyer, a hobo?  No clue.  Why does this confound me?  In literally every other part of my life, I've adapted, and without fail God has provided a gloriously enhanced version of anything I expected.  The second I think I've begun piecing together this idea of what could be, it falls apart and the expectation dies.  I've started to question whether an expectation should exist at all for me. 

The answer to that is no.  I can't expect.  How does this effect hope?  At the moment, it challenges hope to its very core.  At the same time, I feel completely selfish for that.  I have an unbelievably blessed life.  How could I even ask for one more thing?  I can because no matter how disheartening every unmet expectation is, I have this hope inside me that just won't die.  There are times I want it to because it can be painful.  However, without it, life would be different in a gray kind of way.  Despite pain, I love color.  It has the potential to change your outlook into something you might not have pictured for yourself.  It opens your eyes to things you didn't see before.  It changes you.  I've been trying to teach myself to manage my expectations.  This has been an arbitrary pursuit.  I can't do it.  I will always hope for the best possible outcome.  I will always try my hardest.  I will always pursue things sincerely and with passion.  To that, I move forward in hope once again.

(Tara - this was my serious one for you ;)