When you're single, you look at couples and think that anything must be better than your current status. Of course, we know that's not true. I'd rather be in no relationship than the wrong one, especially a hurtful one.
Relationships cause all sorts of problems. Once you're in one, how do you know that it's right? How do you overcome the differences, and how serious are those differences? Well, that depends.
As a Christian girl, it was so tough to find Christian men out there that wanted to be with me. There were several that I "scared off" by reading too much into things. You know what I mean. Don't pretend like you've never done it. So once you've got the man in your life, so what now? When personality conflicts come up, how do I adjust my attitudes to either compromise or reject those differences?
Well, I trust God - just like I did for him in the beginning. No, it's not easy. Psh...if you think I've got it figured out, you've got another thing coming. 'Cause I'm really not good at this. Really. I'm still learning, just like you.
Worry about these differences can take a lot of the joy out of living life with the person that you believe is the one God put you with. I worry enough to do lots of things, except it really does nothing. Worry can't do anything. I'm ridiculous, really. I worry about things that I should never have to think about right now.
But when it comes to personality conflicts, I'm still working to make them work. Journeys, gotta love 'em.
Tuesday, January 18, 2011
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Preparation
Swimming in winter brings a mix of joy and a sense of anxiety to my heart. On the plus side, it could mean jacuzzi. Majorly awesome. On the other hand, it means lots of work. Majorly not awesome. So when I found myself wanting the jacuzzi but relenting the prep work that must go into the jacuzzi appearance, I questioned if it was worth it.
Now, being a girl and getting ready for summer swimming is a process unto itself. It takes weeks of work - plucking, tanning, shaving, exfoliating. It's ugly, don't get me wrong. The tools look torturous - chemicals, sharp blades, hot sun lamps and sandpaper. All for a short few months of Michigan sun exposure. Sure, guys can just throw on swim trunks and have fun. But being a girl is not for the weak or lazy. And it becomes a problem when you get too lazy.
So, as I was questioning my opportunity for jacuzzi, I decided it was worth the prep work - only to have my hopes dashed. All that work - all for naught. I shaved my legs for this?
Lesson learned. Stay as prepared as possible.
Now, being a girl and getting ready for summer swimming is a process unto itself. It takes weeks of work - plucking, tanning, shaving, exfoliating. It's ugly, don't get me wrong. The tools look torturous - chemicals, sharp blades, hot sun lamps and sandpaper. All for a short few months of Michigan sun exposure. Sure, guys can just throw on swim trunks and have fun. But being a girl is not for the weak or lazy. And it becomes a problem when you get too lazy.
So, as I was questioning my opportunity for jacuzzi, I decided it was worth the prep work - only to have my hopes dashed. All that work - all for naught. I shaved my legs for this?
Lesson learned. Stay as prepared as possible.
Sunday, January 2, 2011
Embracing Change
"Two roads diverged in a yellow wood..."
While I love Robert Frost's poetry, especially his "The Road Not Taken", this scenario doesn't adequately describe the kinds of decisions we regularly face. It's an oversimplified view, and one that I've too often employed, that if we correctly input variables A, B, and C into the equation of life everything will come together perfectly.
But life doesn't work that way. It's not about a correct decision or two to yield a desirable result. So much of life isn't about right or wrong, good or bad. It's about how we think the outcome of our decisions impact how we feel. So much of life is about our plans, our expectations, and coordinating the reality and change of life to our plans and expectations.
For me, this realization means adopting a more realistic perspective of the people and situations around me. I cannot expect people and relationships to progress perfectly as if in step to some unseen script. It means that no amount of education, no attainment of degree, and no specific job or career will complete my life. That isn't to say that there isn't merit in ambition, purposefulness, and hard work. It's just that what we pursue won't perfect us, won't complete us. They're just elements of our stories.
Life is a lot more complex than two roads in a wood. Life is, instead, comprised of a seemingly endless litany of variables and possibilities. And we don't have to stress about getting it just right. We don't have to place undue pressure on ourselves that our happiness hinges on the appropriate outcome of each choice we make.
Life doesn't play out like a movie script. We aren't players acting in accordance to some written character arc. It is flux. Change. Chaos. It is adaptation. Dealing. Progressing.
Before the big snowstorm obliterated every trace of fall, there was a particular tree in my neighborhood that caught my attention. This tree-- while all the others had long since shed their post-color change leaves-- clung greedily to its dark, crisp leaves. While the rest had long let go, preparing for the next season, this one tree held on stubbornly. As if to hang on to the present. To prevent the march of time. To prevent the vulnerable barrenness and insecurity of winter.
As with the tree, letting go is a necessity to make way for what is next. For what is better. Maybe it's letting go of a specific notion or ideal. Maybe it's letting go of unrealistic expectations of a friend or loved one. Maybe it's letting go of the false belief that this life demands perfection or will yield a perfect outcome. It's more than Robert Frost's conclusion to simply take the road less traveled by.
So at the beginning of this new year, I don't know what this next year-- or the future-- holds. I am resolved, though, to embrace the change and inconstancy of life. I am letting go of old attitudes and idealized expectations. I am pursuing God, the person He would have me be, and enjoying each unpredictable moment.
While I love Robert Frost's poetry, especially his "The Road Not Taken", this scenario doesn't adequately describe the kinds of decisions we regularly face. It's an oversimplified view, and one that I've too often employed, that if we correctly input variables A, B, and C into the equation of life everything will come together perfectly.
But life doesn't work that way. It's not about a correct decision or two to yield a desirable result. So much of life isn't about right or wrong, good or bad. It's about how we think the outcome of our decisions impact how we feel. So much of life is about our plans, our expectations, and coordinating the reality and change of life to our plans and expectations.
For me, this realization means adopting a more realistic perspective of the people and situations around me. I cannot expect people and relationships to progress perfectly as if in step to some unseen script. It means that no amount of education, no attainment of degree, and no specific job or career will complete my life. That isn't to say that there isn't merit in ambition, purposefulness, and hard work. It's just that what we pursue won't perfect us, won't complete us. They're just elements of our stories.
Life is a lot more complex than two roads in a wood. Life is, instead, comprised of a seemingly endless litany of variables and possibilities. And we don't have to stress about getting it just right. We don't have to place undue pressure on ourselves that our happiness hinges on the appropriate outcome of each choice we make.
Life doesn't play out like a movie script. We aren't players acting in accordance to some written character arc. It is flux. Change. Chaos. It is adaptation. Dealing. Progressing.
Before the big snowstorm obliterated every trace of fall, there was a particular tree in my neighborhood that caught my attention. This tree-- while all the others had long since shed their post-color change leaves-- clung greedily to its dark, crisp leaves. While the rest had long let go, preparing for the next season, this one tree held on stubbornly. As if to hang on to the present. To prevent the march of time. To prevent the vulnerable barrenness and insecurity of winter.
As with the tree, letting go is a necessity to make way for what is next. For what is better. Maybe it's letting go of a specific notion or ideal. Maybe it's letting go of unrealistic expectations of a friend or loved one. Maybe it's letting go of the false belief that this life demands perfection or will yield a perfect outcome. It's more than Robert Frost's conclusion to simply take the road less traveled by.
So at the beginning of this new year, I don't know what this next year-- or the future-- holds. I am resolved, though, to embrace the change and inconstancy of life. I am letting go of old attitudes and idealized expectations. I am pursuing God, the person He would have me be, and enjoying each unpredictable moment.
Monday, November 8, 2010
Emo-maniacal
Your emotions will betray you.
This is something I've heard spoken in a variety of different ways over the last couple of months. After the nth time, I realized maybe I should pay attention. I tend to take pride in the fact that I lack a few traditionally female qualities. You're not going to get emotional outbursts from me and if you need sympathy, you're better off looking elsewhere. I'll listen, but my responses will be honest and occasionally more blunt than some would like. I attribute that to growing up in a household of "suck it up" (my mom was an army brat). I don't coddle, I don't wallow, and I certainly don't break down. Well, at least not publicly.
There have been times in my life where I get focused on reality...well...sucking. All I can see is what is missing and I begin to live in fear of what these missing things could lead to, or not lead to, down the line. I obsess about what I should have done differently or why when I think I did everything right things still turned out a certain way. I literally analyze the implications of each way I've responded to inconsequential conversations. Crazy, right?? This is when I realize my emotions might not be falling out of my eyeballs, but they are most definitely present and swirling around my brain like a dead fish in a toilet bowl (and just about as useful as that, too). In these moments, I feel completely schizophrenic. Logic and emotion are at war with one another, and emotion is so much easier to give in to. My emotions steal away my value, my self-confidence and my joy but leave a clearly defined path to a barren wasteland existence. My logic tries to restore those things, but still leaves a sense of uncertainty. What's a girl to choose - a barren wasteland or a question mark? Well, Ms. Logical, this is when you fail - epic fail. Logical reasoning chooses certainty. Barren wasteland it is!
My emotions will betray me. What has followed these words has been, "when your emotions are in control, hold tight to what you know to be true." Hmmm. Truth: I am loved eternally and unconditionally regardless of what my feelings tell me. Truth: there is a plan for my life even if I'm Magoo-ing it up. Truth: I am fallible, so maybe I should trust one who is not.
Does this mean my schizophrenia is cured? Nope. However, I will work it out because I have truth to stand on, so those question marks don't carry as much weight and that wasteland loses its appeal in light of the confidence truth brings. I have to choose truth above all else because it's right. It's always right.
This is something I've heard spoken in a variety of different ways over the last couple of months. After the nth time, I realized maybe I should pay attention. I tend to take pride in the fact that I lack a few traditionally female qualities. You're not going to get emotional outbursts from me and if you need sympathy, you're better off looking elsewhere. I'll listen, but my responses will be honest and occasionally more blunt than some would like. I attribute that to growing up in a household of "suck it up" (my mom was an army brat). I don't coddle, I don't wallow, and I certainly don't break down. Well, at least not publicly.
There have been times in my life where I get focused on reality...well...sucking. All I can see is what is missing and I begin to live in fear of what these missing things could lead to, or not lead to, down the line. I obsess about what I should have done differently or why when I think I did everything right things still turned out a certain way. I literally analyze the implications of each way I've responded to inconsequential conversations. Crazy, right?? This is when I realize my emotions might not be falling out of my eyeballs, but they are most definitely present and swirling around my brain like a dead fish in a toilet bowl (and just about as useful as that, too). In these moments, I feel completely schizophrenic. Logic and emotion are at war with one another, and emotion is so much easier to give in to. My emotions steal away my value, my self-confidence and my joy but leave a clearly defined path to a barren wasteland existence. My logic tries to restore those things, but still leaves a sense of uncertainty. What's a girl to choose - a barren wasteland or a question mark? Well, Ms. Logical, this is when you fail - epic fail. Logical reasoning chooses certainty. Barren wasteland it is!
My emotions will betray me. What has followed these words has been, "when your emotions are in control, hold tight to what you know to be true." Hmmm. Truth: I am loved eternally and unconditionally regardless of what my feelings tell me. Truth: there is a plan for my life even if I'm Magoo-ing it up. Truth: I am fallible, so maybe I should trust one who is not.
Does this mean my schizophrenia is cured? Nope. However, I will work it out because I have truth to stand on, so those question marks don't carry as much weight and that wasteland loses its appeal in light of the confidence truth brings. I have to choose truth above all else because it's right. It's always right.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
The Male Perspective – Online Dating
So, the other day I accidentally signed up for eHarmony (yes, accidentally. i.e. – it wasn’t intentional). To explain: I knew I was filling out a personality profile--because of a promise that they give you a free relationship/personality assessment at the end. I was interested. Yeah, they give you the assessment after you sign up. Obnoxious.
I’ve never been into the online dating thing. I know it works for some people, but I still find it weird trying to “meet people” based on an online profile...but I digress. I was going to leave it at that, but right off the bat I was getting “conversation requests.” Anyone who knows me knows I don’t like to be rude, but when I went to respond I found you had to subscribe to communicate! What a racket. Since I refused to pay the full price $60 membership, I scoured the internet and found a promo code for new members--$20 for a month. I can handle $20 I guess. I’m new to Nashville and should make some friends. I need a break from work.
Here are a few of my initial observations:
1. With eHarmony trying to match you up based on the same interests, after a while it seems like you’re looking at the same profile information with a different picture. I actually caught myself wondering about one of my matches yesterday when she didn’t mention Jesus in the first paragraph of her profile. Is she any less devout? Probably not. Was it a horrible comparison? Yes.
2. We all know that men are very visual, and I have no problem appreciating attractive women. So, to piggy-back on #1--after the information starts looking the same, the attention (and presumably more shallow route) comes back to the profile picture. Is she cuter than my last match? Is she taller then my last match? I’m not quite sure I understand how the “29 Dimensions of Compatibility” are supposed to make this any less of a meat market.
**Disclaimer: I do believe that every person on this planet can have attractive qualities (I qualify that to say some people just choose to be bad people and I would not find them attractive in any sense), but there are obviously attributes that some people might find more attractive than others. Moving on…
3. To piggy-back on #2 (funny how this is working out)--I really do feel like a terrible person when I see a profile picture of my match with friend(s) and I get really excited thinking “wow, she is really good looking,” only to flip to the next picture and find out the really good looking girl was ‘friend’ and not ‘match.’ Oh. Is your friend seeing anyone…?
Dating and meeting people isn’t easy for guys—and in a lot of respects I would say it’s more difficult then it is for women. We live in the United States where we are married to the idea of the rough-and-tough cowboy and the “self-made man.” As incorrect as these perceptions might be, somehow culture got its claws in us early on to teach men that this is what’s expected. How is a guy supposed to meet a woman and fall in love if he’s off alone “building his life” all the time? Which is it? Am I supposed to be a cowboy and go it alone, or am I supposed to get married? Ah, the contradictions. All I can really do is stick my neck out there and hope to not get rejected (or decapitated).
I’ll probably have to follow this up at the end of my 30 day self-imposed trial period. I do have a coffee date with someone tomorrow after church. At least I’m meeting new people. Right?
P.S.– I got my personality profile: I’m agreeable, open, emotionally stable, conscientious, and extroverted. Any takers?
Monday, November 1, 2010
The Male Perspective
We decided it might be interesting to add a little balance to the female voices by inviting an old friend to lend his perspective to Sass. We are in our own heads enough that it's a welcome break to hear what is really going on with the other half. Welcome, Ryan!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
The Two Most Uncomfortable Words...
We are living in perilous times. Nations are ravaged by war and terrorism. Headlines tell of natural disasters, oil spills, famine and disease. Amidst all the pestilence, something real and disturbing persists. Prepare yourselves for the two most uncomfortable words you'll hear:
"I'm single."
It's baffling that singleness is something that many people (especially within the Christian community) just don't know what to do with. It's met with confusion, inquisitiveness, curiosity, and sometimes outright derision.
What I'd like to do, though, is highlight a few different approaches people take to others' singleness:
1.) The Fixer
This (well-intentioned) individual responds to your casual remark of "I'm single" by immediately racking his/her brain. Taking on the role of matchmaker, they conjure up any (and every) single guy they know-- a friend of a friend, their second cousin once removed, their plumber-- and whose only point of commonality is your mutual eligibility. Your singleness isn't simply a relationship status, but a dire situation that obviously requires an intervention.
2.) The Awkward Sympathizer
Another well-intentioned individual, when this person asks (because an awkward sympathizer always manages to initiate this particular dialogue) if you're seeing anyone and when you reply you aren't, they'll tilt their head to the side and, with a slight frown, either sigh or emit a condescending, "awww." Your current level of happiness and satisfaction in life does not matter to the awkward sympathizer, for without a significant other you must be besotted with loneliness and angst.
3.) The Halfhearted Optimist
Similar to the Awkward Sympathizer, the Halfhearted Optimist reads into your unattachedness and falsely assumes single = miserable. Seeing as you will need immediate cheering up, this person will offer such idiomatic gems like, "There's plenty of fish in the sea." The assurances this person volunteers that you will find The One, that you'll be okay, not to give up, to keep your chin up, all come off as superficial insinuations that maybe you won't be okay...
4.) The Unfavorable Pessimist
There's no mistaking an Unfavorable Pessimist. They will freely offer criticism, derision, and disdain. To them, your singleness is a sociological anomaly. They fail to appreciate a young woman independently pursuing her dreams and ambitions. Armed with a lack of understanding and perspective, the Unfavorable Pessimist lessens the single person by cheapening this stage of life. (An Unfavorable Pessimist actually told me once that I'd always be single and live at home forever. Yep. That happened.)
I am single. (Whoa, saying that wasn't so bad!) And I don't hate my life. I am fulfilled in Christ. I love serving at church, spending time with my friends, being with my loved ones. While I do want to get married one day, I do not see myself as incomplete or other or less than. I refuse to allow others to define me or cheapen this stage of my life. I (sometimes painfully) endure the Fixers and Sympathizers and Optimists and know that they're probably doing the best that they can to relate to me. I shake the dirt off that the Pessimists throw at me, forgive them and move on.
Those are four approaches that I've personally encountered. Did I miss any? (Vance, this was my lighthearted one for you. ;)
"I'm single."
It's baffling that singleness is something that many people (especially within the Christian community) just don't know what to do with. It's met with confusion, inquisitiveness, curiosity, and sometimes outright derision.
What I'd like to do, though, is highlight a few different approaches people take to others' singleness:
1.) The Fixer
This (well-intentioned) individual responds to your casual remark of "I'm single" by immediately racking his/her brain. Taking on the role of matchmaker, they conjure up any (and every) single guy they know-- a friend of a friend, their second cousin once removed, their plumber-- and whose only point of commonality is your mutual eligibility. Your singleness isn't simply a relationship status, but a dire situation that obviously requires an intervention.
2.) The Awkward Sympathizer
Another well-intentioned individual, when this person asks (because an awkward sympathizer always manages to initiate this particular dialogue) if you're seeing anyone and when you reply you aren't, they'll tilt their head to the side and, with a slight frown, either sigh or emit a condescending, "awww." Your current level of happiness and satisfaction in life does not matter to the awkward sympathizer, for without a significant other you must be besotted with loneliness and angst.
3.) The Halfhearted Optimist
Similar to the Awkward Sympathizer, the Halfhearted Optimist reads into your unattachedness and falsely assumes single = miserable. Seeing as you will need immediate cheering up, this person will offer such idiomatic gems like, "There's plenty of fish in the sea." The assurances this person volunteers that you will find The One, that you'll be okay, not to give up, to keep your chin up, all come off as superficial insinuations that maybe you won't be okay...
4.) The Unfavorable Pessimist
There's no mistaking an Unfavorable Pessimist. They will freely offer criticism, derision, and disdain. To them, your singleness is a sociological anomaly. They fail to appreciate a young woman independently pursuing her dreams and ambitions. Armed with a lack of understanding and perspective, the Unfavorable Pessimist lessens the single person by cheapening this stage of life. (An Unfavorable Pessimist actually told me once that I'd always be single and live at home forever. Yep. That happened.)
I am single. (Whoa, saying that wasn't so bad!) And I don't hate my life. I am fulfilled in Christ. I love serving at church, spending time with my friends, being with my loved ones. While I do want to get married one day, I do not see myself as incomplete or other or less than. I refuse to allow others to define me or cheapen this stage of my life. I (sometimes painfully) endure the Fixers and Sympathizers and Optimists and know that they're probably doing the best that they can to relate to me. I shake the dirt off that the Pessimists throw at me, forgive them and move on.
Those are four approaches that I've personally encountered. Did I miss any? (Vance, this was my lighthearted one for you. ;)
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