Emo-maniacal

Your emotions will betray you.

This is something I've heard spoken in a variety of different ways over the last couple of months.  After the nth time, I realized maybe I should pay attention.  I tend to take pride in the fact that I lack a few traditionally female qualities.  You're not going to get emotional outbursts from me and if you need sympathy, you're better off looking elsewhere.  I'll listen, but my responses will be honest and occasionally more blunt than some would like.  I attribute that to growing up in a household of "suck it up" (my mom was an army brat).  I don't coddle, I don't wallow, and I certainly don't break down.  Well, at least not publicly. 

There have been times in my life where I get focused on reality...well...sucking.  All I can see is what is missing and I begin to live in fear of what these missing things could lead to, or not lead to, down the line.  I obsess about what I should have done differently or why when I think I did everything right things still turned out a certain way.  I literally analyze the implications of each way I've responded to inconsequential conversations.  Crazy, right??  This is when I realize my emotions might not be falling out of my eyeballs, but they are most definitely present and swirling around my brain like a dead fish in a toilet bowl (and just about as useful as that, too).  In these moments, I feel completely schizophrenic.  Logic and emotion are at war with one another, and emotion is so much easier to give in to.  My emotions steal away my value, my self-confidence and my joy but leave a clearly defined path to a barren wasteland existence.  My logic tries to restore those things, but still leaves a sense of uncertainty.  What's a girl to choose - a barren wasteland or a question mark?  Well, Ms. Logical, this is when you fail - epic fail.  Logical reasoning chooses certainty.  Barren wasteland it is! 

My emotions will betray me.  What has followed these words has been, "when your emotions are in control, hold tight to what you know to be true."  Hmmm.  Truth: I am loved eternally and unconditionally regardless of what my feelings tell me.  Truth: there is a plan for my life even if I'm Magoo-ing it up.  Truth: I am fallible, so maybe I should trust one who is not.

Does this mean my schizophrenia is cured?  Nope.  However, I will work it out because I have truth to stand on, so those question marks don't carry as much weight and that wasteland loses its appeal in light of the confidence truth brings.  I have to choose truth above all else because it's right.  It's always right.

The Male Perspective – Online Dating

So, the other day I accidentally signed up for eHarmony (yes, accidentally. i.e. – it wasn’t intentional). To explain: I knew I was filling out a personality profile--because of a promise that they give you a free relationship/personality assessment at the end. I was interested. Yeah, they give you the assessment after you sign up. Obnoxious.

I’ve never been into the online dating thing. I know it works for some people, but I still find it weird trying to “meet people” based on an online profile...but I digress. I was going to leave it at that, but right off the bat I was getting “conversation requests.” Anyone who knows me knows I don’t like to be rude, but when I went to respond I found you had to subscribe to communicate! What a racket. Since I refused to pay the full price $60 membership, I scoured the internet and found a promo code for new members--$20 for a month. I can handle $20 I guess. I’m new to Nashville and should make some friends. I need a break from work.

Here are a few of my initial observations:

1. With eHarmony trying to match you up based on the same interests, after a while it seems like you’re looking at the same profile information with a different picture. I actually caught myself wondering about one of my matches yesterday when she didn’t mention Jesus in the first paragraph of her profile. Is she any less devout? Probably not. Was it a horrible comparison? Yes.

2. We all know that men are very visual, and I have no problem appreciating attractive women. So, to piggy-back on #1--after the information starts looking the same, the attention (and presumably more shallow route) comes back to the profile picture. Is she cuter than my last match? Is she taller then my last match? I’m not quite sure I understand how the “29 Dimensions of Compatibility” are supposed to make this any less of a meat market.

**Disclaimer: I do believe that every person on this planet can have attractive qualities (I qualify that to say some people just choose to be bad people and I would not find them attractive in any sense), but there are obviously attributes that some people might find more attractive than others. Moving on…

3. To piggy-back on #2 (funny how this is working out)--I really do feel like a terrible person when I see a profile picture of my match with friend(s) and I get really excited thinking “wow, she is really good looking,” only to flip to the next picture and find out the really good looking girl was ‘friend’ and not ‘match.’ Oh. Is your friend seeing anyone…?

Dating and meeting people isn’t easy for guys—and in a lot of respects I would say it’s more difficult then it is for women. We live in the United States where we are married to the idea of the rough-and-tough cowboy and the “self-made man.” As incorrect as these perceptions might be, somehow culture got its claws in us early on to teach men that this is what’s expected. How is a guy supposed to meet a woman and fall in love if he’s off alone “building his life” all the time? Which is it? Am I supposed to be a cowboy and go it alone, or am I supposed to get married? Ah, the contradictions. All I can really do is stick my neck out there and hope to not get rejected (or decapitated).

I’ll probably have to follow this up at the end of my 30 day self-imposed trial period. I do have a coffee date with someone tomorrow after church. At least I’m meeting new people. Right?

P.S.– I got my personality profile: I’m agreeable, open, emotionally stable, conscientious, and extroverted. Any takers?

The Male Perspective

We decided it might be interesting to add a little balance to the female voices by inviting an old friend to lend his perspective to Sass. We are in our own heads enough that it's a welcome break to hear what is really going on with the other half. Welcome, Ryan!

The Two Most Uncomfortable Words...

We are living in perilous times. Nations are ravaged by war and terrorism. Headlines tell of natural disasters, oil spills, famine and disease. Amidst all the pestilence, something real and disturbing persists. Prepare yourselves for the two most uncomfortable words you'll hear:

"I'm single."

It's baffling that singleness is something that many people (especially within the Christian community) just don't know what to do with. It's met with confusion, inquisitiveness, curiosity, and sometimes outright derision.

What I'd like to do, though, is highlight a few different approaches people take to others' singleness:

1.) The Fixer
This (well-intentioned) individual responds to your casual remark of "I'm single" by immediately racking his/her brain. Taking on the role of matchmaker, they conjure up any (and every) single guy they know-- a friend of a friend, their second cousin once removed, their plumber-- and whose only point of commonality is your mutual eligibility. Your singleness isn't simply a relationship status, but a dire situation that obviously requires an intervention.

2.) The Awkward Sympathizer
Another well-intentioned individual, when this person asks (because an awkward sympathizer always manages to initiate this particular dialogue) if you're seeing anyone and when you reply you aren't, they'll tilt their head to the side and, with a slight frown, either sigh or emit a condescending, "awww." Your current level of happiness and satisfaction in life does not matter to the awkward sympathizer, for without a significant other you must be besotted with loneliness and angst.

3.) The Halfhearted Optimist
Similar to the Awkward Sympathizer, the Halfhearted Optimist reads into your unattachedness and falsely assumes single = miserable. Seeing as you will need immediate cheering up, this person will offer such idiomatic gems like, "There's plenty of fish in the sea." The assurances this person volunteers that you will find The One, that you'll be okay, not to give up, to keep your chin up, all come off as superficial insinuations that maybe you won't be okay...

4.) The Unfavorable Pessimist
There's no mistaking an Unfavorable Pessimist. They will freely offer criticism, derision, and disdain. To them, your singleness is a sociological anomaly. They fail to appreciate a young woman independently pursuing her dreams and ambitions. Armed with a lack of understanding and perspective, the Unfavorable Pessimist lessens the single person by cheapening this stage of life. (An Unfavorable Pessimist actually told me once that I'd always be single and live at home forever. Yep. That happened.)

I am single. (Whoa, saying that wasn't so bad!) And I don't hate my life. I am fulfilled in Christ. I love serving at church, spending time with my friends, being with my loved ones. While I do want to get married one day, I do not see myself as incomplete or other or less than. I refuse to allow others to define me or cheapen this stage of my life. I (sometimes painfully) endure the Fixers and Sympathizers and Optimists and know that they're probably doing the best that they can to relate to me. I shake the dirt off that the Pessimists throw at me, forgive them and move on.

Those are four approaches that I've personally encountered. Did I miss any? (Vance, this was my lighthearted one for you. ;)

Managed Expectations

Expectations can be a tricky thing.  In any avenue of life, they can provide you the confidence to step up to the plate, or they can cause your hopes to plummet to record lows when they're not met.  In my early 20s, I was full of high expectations.  Everything was going to be on a grand scale.  I was meant to end up in New York working for a record label and travel the country seeking new acts to sign.  I would have a completely fabulous rock star boyfriend and would go on the road with him when my job allowed and be the girl in the crowd he sang to during "that" song.  I would stay grounded by being actively involved in my chosen church, which is where I'd go to recenter on my whole reason for being in between road trips. 

Needless to say, my life took a different path.  My expectations weren't met.  As I began to realize the original set wasn't really going to happen, my expectations adapted.  They became more about making the place where I am as great as it could possibly be.  Does an adaptation make it any less great?  From where I sit today, not at all.  Sure, the original plan sounds glamorous and exciting, but as it turns out, I kind of love where I am.  However, there is one glaring area of my life that continues to elude me.  In my original expectation set, I had a rock star boyfriend.  I'd still love a rock star boyfriend, but in my adapted reality, his life style probably doesn't fit with mine.  However, I have no adapted version of him.  Is he an engineer, a lawyer, a hobo?  No clue.  Why does this confound me?  In literally every other part of my life, I've adapted, and without fail God has provided a gloriously enhanced version of anything I expected.  The second I think I've begun piecing together this idea of what could be, it falls apart and the expectation dies.  I've started to question whether an expectation should exist at all for me. 

The answer to that is no.  I can't expect.  How does this effect hope?  At the moment, it challenges hope to its very core.  At the same time, I feel completely selfish for that.  I have an unbelievably blessed life.  How could I even ask for one more thing?  I can because no matter how disheartening every unmet expectation is, I have this hope inside me that just won't die.  There are times I want it to because it can be painful.  However, without it, life would be different in a gray kind of way.  Despite pain, I love color.  It has the potential to change your outlook into something you might not have pictured for yourself.  It opens your eyes to things you didn't see before.  It changes you.  I've been trying to teach myself to manage my expectations.  This has been an arbitrary pursuit.  I can't do it.  I will always hope for the best possible outcome.  I will always try my hardest.  I will always pursue things sincerely and with passion.  To that, I move forward in hope once again.

(Tara - this was my serious one for you ;)

Of Nuns and Priests

It is needless to say that as a twenty-something Christian woman, especially in Detroit, being single is a fairly common occurrence. I'm not saying it's great, or even tolerable at times, but it is fairly common. In my teenage years, it was common because I was shy and terrible at showing interest. In my adult years, it was because I was an extremely driven person who was still shy and wanted to be pursued. Plus, I was a bit of a relationship idiot. Ok, a lot of a relationship idiot. 'Nuf said.

One day, a few years ago, my mom informed me that she would, at my marriage, give me and my future husband a significant sum of money as a gift. If I would like, she plainly declared, she could give me that money now instead of at my wedding. Translation: "You'll never get married, so invest in a condo or something." Thanks, mom.

My dad, at the same time, was making comments (half seriously) about me becoming a nun. A) I am not Catholic, so this would definitely not make sense; and B) I do not want to be a nun. Period. After I would inform him of these two facts, he would respond with a story of a priest friend who decided to leave the priesthood and marry a nun. This, he proposed, would definitely happen to me, should I decide to join a convent. No thanks, dad. I don't want a priest, either.

Needless to say, all of this parental discouragement got me incredibly self-conscious about my singleness. Was I doing everything wrong? They had pushed me into the online dating path, the visiting other churches path, the family friend path (let's just say...umm...no.) and nothing was successful.

Still, I'm certainly no expert today on relationships. Let me make that perfectly clear. But if I've learned anything, it's that there are no right answers, no formula, no magic pill to take and wake up to find your "Christian Prince Charming." There were the piles of books on my shelf, the blogs and magazines I'd read, and still I felt like God just wasn't listening to me. Being in the church even made me feel less valuable at times.

So, I decided to just enjoy the journey. Live, love, and don't settle. Single Christian women of the world, SHOUT OUT LOUD. Repeat this with me: I am not less. I am valuable, and I am more. ***Hint: more shouting makes for more fun. Disclaimer: author is not responsible for any "shhhh-ing" while reading this post. :)

Lesson: Don't become a nun. Don't count on marrying a Catholic priest. They're probably gay anyway.

of boo-boos, physical and otherwise

As the proud auntie of eleven (soon to be twelve), I am frequently informed of the funny or quirky or "awwww" moment-inducing things my nieces or nephews have said or done. As this blog isn't a forum for all the goings on of my siblings' progeny, I'll keep those stories to a minimum...

...however, I couldn't pass this one up.

Recently, my six-year-old nephew, Dylan, proudly diplayed to my brother and sister-in-law the contents of his bug jar. Aghast, amused, and slightly mortified, they saw that in the jar he had collected a scab... or his "boo-boo," as he affectionately called it. Apparently, when a six-year-old loses or picks a scab, they think, "Why not hang on to this?"

As gross as it is to think about keeping a "boo-boo jar" to house all our scabs, I can't help but think of the figurative "boo-boo jars" we keep. Life is full of painful experiences: heartbreak, loss, disappointment, and unfulfilled dreams. Relationships fall apart. People scathe us with what they say. Often the people closest to us, whom we trust the most, cause us the most pain.

We face these difficult, damaging situations and they hurt. They wound. They sting.

We're left reeling, wounded. So we learn how to deal. We move on. We rise from our pain and confusion armed with lessons learned and insight gained. (We also learn that time may not heal all wounds, but time + awesome friends + chocolate works wonders!) We have the ability to view challenges, obstacles, even hurtful words or situations, as opportunities for growth. We learn more about ourselves. We learn to find peace and strength in God. We learn to reach out to the good, safe people around us.

What we're tempted to do, though, is to look at our wounds, and like my nephew and his scab, think, "Why not hang on to this?" "Why not hang on to what that person said to me?" "Why not hang on to that hurt that person caused me?" "Why not hang on to bitterness or resentment?" And so we maintain our proverbial boo-boo jars. We keep with us the hurts and wounds that time/life/people have caused as a perpetual reminder that we were wronged/hurt/wounded. What we're really left with, though, is an off-putting display that showcases our inability to heal, forgive, and move on.

Horace Bushnell says, "Forgiveness is man's deepest need and highest achievement." As we're met with life's challenges and difficulties, we will undoubtedly get hurt in its turmoil and turbulence. We determine the effect of life's pains and difficulties: we allow them to either enrich or embitter us. Choosing to let go allows us the freedom to move forward, with flourish and flair, unimpeded into the next fabulous step in the journey.

A Little City, A Lot of Sass

Michigan - auto jungle where dreams are challenged.  This is the story of 4 girls picked to live, get educated, work and worship in Macomb, Oakland & Wayne counties.  Our lives are different, but we walk to the same beat.  Our hopes are two fold: that you thoroughly enjoy our musings, and that one day they're made into a movie about us.  No, really - we've already picked out the actresses who will play us.  That came before the blog, actually.  Thanks for reading, and feel free to give us feedback (as long as it's positive:).